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••• with credits: photo of Ryan Seacrest ••• Alan Kalter says good night.

1/04/11 [3422]: monologue: Thousands of small, deceased black birds fell to the ground in Beebe, Arkansas around New Year's Day.

(Dave's only been in the control room twice, he claims. ••• "Late Show Intern Profile": Alan Kalter introduces us to new intern James Madejski, a dramatic writing major at SUNY-Purchase, who stands expressionless onstage. She's 40 years old now, expecting another baby Bettany, and looking great. She won a Critics Choice Award, a Golden Globe and an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind, but you knew that. ••• Time out: Tony Mendez has walked over to Barbara Gaines' command module. This episode is getting crazier by the minute, and we're just getting warmed up. As of January 1st, cab drivers must charge you a reduced fare if you choose to ride in the trunk. " ••• future Emmy-winning desk chat: Dave produces a shiny new three-foot-long gavel. It brings to mind the giant doorknob from Late Night, May 1983. Based on the size of my four-inch Late Show mugs, I'd say this is a 10-incher. / Dave lets Seth demolish the giant microphone, then Eddie Brill delivers it to an audience lady. Seth has a laugh that's more annoying than Fran Drescher's.) ••• more handiwork with the giant gavel: Dave says, "This is how we make a living!

We know that's not true, because he was in the Late Night control room every few days, pestering Hal Gurnee and Pete Fatovich.) ••• Top Ten New York Department of Sanitation Excuses / #3. He applied to 11 other late night talk shows, but we've got him! Hernia." (graphic and first voice-over): "We'll be back with more Oprah-Grams after this word from Lady Foot Locker™." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: 1. ••• "Insights and Analysis with Joe Grossman" / Oh, boy, here we go again. After exactly one sentence related to current events, Joe segues into a commercial for utz® Sourdough Pretzel Nuggets. Dave starts hollering over, trying to get his attention. ••• "John Boehner's First Day: A Look Back" / video: (title graphic and Freeplay music) (various clips of the Speaker, to match the narration) (voice-over): " PM: Wields giant gavel after becoming the new Speaker of the House." PM: At his celebration lunch, sits down to eat with a giant fork. We'll be right back, everybody." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a plug for Tri-State Gavel Factory of Paramus, New Jersey ••• desk chat with Paul about Gallagher, who became famous for his Sledge-O-Matic. ••• full credits, with clips of the destruction at Dave's desk ••• (I can't wait to read the Wahoo Gazette for this episode.

We'll be back in April to pick up garbage from October through December. Then just put them with the rest of the trash to be thrown away." (photo): New York City seal (voice-over): "A message from New York City: The last unspoiled place." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has some random thoughts about the big New Year's Eve celebration hosted by Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest (the universal prototype for male cheerleader).

Ryan interviewed one female who might be some sort of celebrity. ••• Dave's advice for the new year: "But seriously to you kids out there, if you're thinking about how to improve yourselves for the coming year, be less of a douche bag." (Late Show aaoogah horn again) ••• Top Ten Signs Your 2011 Is Off to a Bad Start ••• Brian Williams comes in loaded with comedy.

Before Oprah's shows, the staff all gather in the control and hold hands. ••• Jennifer Connelly plugs The Dilemma, a film by Opie Taylor. She's a stunning beauty, and she always has cool adventures (or mishaps) to tell us about. / Photoshop fun: There's one of 'em, legs up, on the hair of Amy Winehouse. Eddie Brill delivers dinner at 21 to an audience member. I was on the tour and got lost." (clip of stunned members of Congress) (Joe does his signature wrong-way exit.) (graphic): CNN logo ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights and, "Attention New York City tourists. ••• Top Ten Little-Known Facts About John Boehner ••• Out of commercial, Dave says, "I feel refreshed." A little big later, he says, "Half hour to get a banana." Apparently there was all kinds of spontaneous stuff going on between acts, and the CBSO must have put on a mini-concert. Dave gives a big shout-out to Bruce Kapler of the CBSO. Dave starts smashing stuff with the three-foot gavel: ••• Seth Rogen plugs The Green Hornet.

Still have our hands full cleaning up Charlie Sheen's hotel room. ••• desk chat: Dave gives a shout out to the Late Show's own Al Chez. It looks new, but Al has played it on the show before. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Want to ask Dave a question on Twitter? With lightning speed and accuracy, Dave sees through Joe's little scheme. PM: Entertains constituents with his hilarious melon-smashing antics." (clip of Gallagher, I assume, smashing a watermelon with a Sledge-O-Matic) (voice-over): "This has been 'John Boehner's First Day: A Look Back.' " (clip): House of Representatives chamber, with members reading aloud (clip of unknown Congressman): "I now yield to the gentleman from Michigan, Mr. It seems that his brother, Ron, took his act, calling it Gallagher Too. The behind-the-scenes activity must have been nuts!

Go to the Late Show Twitter account, twitter.com/Late_Show and use the hashtag #ASKDAVE. Stay with us, Cyrus." ••• outside cam: an awesome shot of the Empire State Building ••• Shaquille O'Neal of the Celtics, who complains that Dave (almost) never calls him ••• Keri Hilson sings. 1/05/11 [3423]: Photoshop fun: We see a small, deceased blackbird on Donald Trump's nest of hair. ) (clips): bird carcasses (voice-over): "Scientists are puzzled by the thousands of dead blackbirds which fell to earth in a small Arkansas town.

••• John Boehner was sworn in as Speaker of the House today. ••• New York City sponsored El Blizzardo Grande on December 27. / Photoshop fun: Stuffed-full trash bags are piled up almost to the top of the Late Show marquee. ••• As many as 5,000 deceased blackbirds were found around Beebe, Arkansas the other day. But one thing is clear." (product logo): Popeyes Fried Blackbirds™ (voice-over): "Now's the time to try Arkansas Broilers™ from Popeyes®!

Dave's never pleased when someone tries to make a buck off a bad situation. " (clip): happy kids munching on bird (voice-over): "Your family will love the different taste, and you'll love the savings we pass on by salvaging dead birds! Dave says horsedjoy and gets the Late Show aaoogah horn.

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