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Dave thanks them for their thoughtfulness, and forks over the cash. So what you're trying to say is here you would like the money I won." (Joe): "Yes, please." (Dave forks over his jackpot. " ••• Rupert Jee's New York Jets beat the New England Patriots 28-21 yesterday, and will play the Steelers on January 23 for the AFC championship. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan ••• It's more with Jack Hanna. " (Alan, dressed like King Tutankhamun): "Thank you, Dave. ••• After his latest incidents, Charlie Sheen is rehabbing at home, and there's a picture: Al Pacino in Scarface, with cocaine all over him ••• monologue: Late Show correspondent Bob Jenkins is in Cairo. " (Bob is now seen in front of the green screen, with chroma keying off.) (Bob): "No." (Dave): "OK, thanks, Bob. Bob, do you have any idea why I have my fingers in my ear? Dave and Paul care more about the needs of humanity than the Red Cross.The two future inhabitants of Riker's Island ditch the shovels and scamper offstage. " (Joe): "I could have used the money." (Dave): "Uh huh." (Joe): "I'm getting married in a few months..." (Dave): "Uh huh." (Joe): "..unexpected expenses..." (Dave): "Right." (Joe): "..bike was stolen, and I had to buy a new one." (Dave): "Uh huh." (Joe): "My refrigerator died. The two gentlemen pause for a bit.) (Joe): "The bike actually cost 0." (Dave): "Get out! Just get..." (Joe, reliable as clockwork, attempts to exit the wrong way.) (Dave): "No, no, no, no, no. Dave wanted to show us the winning touchdown but couldn't get the rights, which leads us to this exciting animation, "NFL Highlight Simulation." It's just stick figures, but we get the general idea. Dave shouldn't have itemized with his fingers, because he realizes to his horror that he is presently giving The Finger to North America on this, the Tiffany Network.] Anyway, back to Dorothy. ••• Top Ten Ways to Pronounce Reince Priebus ••• interruption: We hear some fine harmonica music. He has little African Penguins (Jackass Penguins) from Southwest Africa. Next is a warthog from Africa, and finally we have a couple of gorgeous baby cheetahs. 1/18/11 [3432]: monologue: Dave's all excited about the new Trenta from Starbucks. " (Bob): "I have no idea." (Dave): "OK, thank you very much. Only seconds into the preshow audience visit, Dave can tell how the show will go. An audience lady up close was giving a horrified stare at the tie. Show 'em everything ya got, because Jay, it's Thursday, and it's time for "Jaywalking." (Dave): "You know, I'm sorry. We're just gettin' ready to do the Top Ten list here." (man, facing the camera): "Oh. " (CBSO): phony SNL theme song (Dave): "The president of Title Town, Vince Lombardi." ••• Top Ten Ways New York City Is Healthier Than Ever ••• desk chat: Dave's holding a Playbill.••• with credits: photo of Ryan Seacrest ••• Alan Kalter says good night.1/04/11 [3422]: monologue: Thousands of small, deceased black birds fell to the ground in Beebe, Arkansas around New Year's Day.We'll be back in April to pick up garbage from October through December. Then just put them with the rest of the trash to be thrown away." (photo): New York City seal (voice-over): "A message from New York City: The last unspoiled place." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: Dave has some random thoughts about the big New Year's Eve celebration hosted by Dick Clark and Ryan Seacrest (the universal prototype for male cheerleader).Ryan interviewed one female who might be some sort of celebrity. ••• Dave's advice for the new year: "But seriously to you kids out there, if you're thinking about how to improve yourselves for the coming year, be less of a douche bag." (Late Show aaoogah horn again) ••• Top Ten Signs Your 2011 Is Off to a Bad Start ••• Brian Williams comes in loaded with comedy.Still have our hands full cleaning up Charlie Sheen's hotel room. ••• desk chat: Dave gives a shout out to the Late Show's own Al Chez. It looks new, but Al has played it on the show before. ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and "Want to ask Dave a question on Twitter? With lightning speed and accuracy, Dave sees through Joe's little scheme. PM: Entertains constituents with his hilarious melon-smashing antics." (clip of Gallagher, I assume, smashing a watermelon with a Sledge-O-Matic) (voice-over): "This has been 'John Boehner's First Day: A Look Back.' " (clip): House of Representatives chamber, with members reading aloud (clip of unknown Congressman): "I now yield to the gentleman from Michigan, Mr. It seems that his brother, Ron, took his act, calling it Gallagher Too. The behind-the-scenes activity must have been nuts!Go to the Late Show Twitter account, twitter.com/Late_Show and use the hashtag #ASKDAVE. Stay with us, Cyrus." ••• outside cam: an awesome shot of the Empire State Building ••• Shaquille O'Neal of the Celtics, who complains that Dave (almost) never calls him ••• Keri Hilson sings. 1/05/11 [3423]: Photoshop fun: We see a small, deceased blackbird on Donald Trump's nest of hair. ) (clips): bird carcasses (voice-over): "Scientists are puzzled by the thousands of dead blackbirds which fell to earth in a small Arkansas town.

We know that's not true, because he was in the Late Night control room every few days, pestering Hal Gurnee and Pete Fatovich.) ••• Top Ten New York Department of Sanitation Excuses / #3. He applied to 11 other late night talk shows, but we've got him! Hernia." (graphic and first voice-over): "We'll be back with more Oprah-Grams after this word from Lady Foot Locker™." ••• Alan Kalter with Big Show Highlights ••• desk chat: 1. ••• "Insights and Analysis with Joe Grossman" / Oh, boy, here we go again. After exactly one sentence related to current events, Joe segues into a commercial for utz® Sourdough Pretzel Nuggets. Dave starts hollering over, trying to get his attention. ••• "John Boehner's First Day: A Look Back" / video: (title graphic and Freeplay music) (various clips of the Speaker, to match the narration) (voice-over): " PM: Wields giant gavel after becoming the new Speaker of the House." PM: At his celebration lunch, sits down to eat with a giant fork. We'll be right back, everybody." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan and a plug for Tri-State Gavel Factory of Paramus, New Jersey ••• desk chat with Paul about Gallagher, who became famous for his Sledge-O-Matic. ••• full credits, with clips of the destruction at Dave's desk ••• (I can't wait to read the Wahoo Gazette for this episode.

He amuses himself by tossing most of them to lucky audience members. ••• monologue: Continuing from yesterday, Dave itemizes even more resolutions for 2011: ••• New York City had El Blizzardo Grande on Dec. The Sanitation Department will have the trash out in a couple of weeks.

27, which fouled up transportation and services somethin' awful. "It stinks of death over here, Dave," Alan reports.

He comes out every night trying to make a great experience for the audience members, because they he'll have a great experience, too. Linda from Melbourne, Australia raised her hand to ask, "What is Dairy Queen? (Stay tuned for further developments.) ••• Top Ten Questions to Ask Yourself Before Marrying a 110-Year-Old Man ••• after commercial: Dave has a box of Dilly Bars, and a delighted Linda from Australia gets one! / Dave lists four people who know what exactly they're doing in broadcasting: 1. / video: (clip): a Verizon Wireless store (voice-over): "Verizon Wireless is poised to offer Apple's popular i Phone™ in a blow to the i Phone's long-time exclusive carrier, at&t." (clip): an at&t store and i Phone (voice-over): "at&t's strategy going forward will be to focus on our long-time core business: telegraph service. " "I just wanted to drown out this crap," Gene replies. "You've got to remove the suspenders." Then the neck warmer hits the floor. ••• Charlie Sheen was rushed to a hospital in recent days. Martha Stewart will appear on Friday, which means her episode was taped yesterday. " (Alan): "I had a crazy weekend, Dave." ••• Act 5 Audience Pan, and "Did you lose a black glove?

Dave could tell that tonight's audience didn't want to be here. ••• Regis Philbin bravely reappears for another interview with Dave, and tonight our host has treats! Tonight Regis has stories about jobs he had before he was Regis, and his stint in the Korean War as a supply officer for the U. We hope to be Apple's rumored i Graph device." (photo): a telegraph key with an Apple logo (audio): Morse code "VI" (voice-over): "at&t: Please check the number and try your call again." Apparently it's not fashionable to capitalize AT&T these days. When Sully's running, his big old tongue flaps against his face. ••• There's more trouble with deceased birds plummeting from the sky. / Photoshop fun: Joining Donald Trump and Amy Winehouse with bird carcasses on their heads (or red hat, in this case) is His Eminence, Pope Benedict XVI. Taping of his show, Two and a Half Men, went on hiatus. ••• with closing credits: Keith Olbermann and Biff Henderson 2/01/11 [3437]: Dave likes salty snacks, but he thinks people are eating way too much salt. Moments later he's chowing down on multiple handsful of Na Cl. ••• monologue: "Charlie Sheen has 90 days of rehab at his house. Dave says he woke up with a hangover, but he hadn't been drinking. I saw one today down by 48th and 9th Avenue." ••• Chris Elliott (who Paul plays on with his "Bananas" song) plugs Eagleheart.

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